It has been one hell of a year. I'm not sure anyone wants to read this or cares, but I feel like getting it out.
At first, Shauna's death didn't seem real. How on earth could my best friend be gone forever? How could the everyday texts, phone calls and visits stop cold turkey? How could it be that I would never be able to confide in my friend ever again? Or never see her smile, hear her voice or laughter? December 3, 2009 was the single most sad day of my life.
The first month I poured myself into planning Shauna's Celebration of Life. I wanted every detail to be perfect and fitting for the amazing person that she was. I cried, but I really didn't have time to let it really sink in. I was still surrounded by her loved ones. I was still getting cards, calls, emails and texts. So many people reached out to comfort me, and for that I will be forever grateful.
Thinking back, the day of her Celebration was surreal. I loved hearing the stories, seeing her family, friends and acquaintances come together to REALLY celebrate Shauna. It just didn't seem right that she was not sitting next to me!!! I know she was there, watching over us, but already her physical presence was incredibly missed. I mostly remember sticking really close to Jim that day. And crying. A lot. The kind of sobs that shake your body. Seeing and hearing S in Brian Lindstrom's movie after the service just got me... hearing her voice did me in.
After her celebration was REALLY hard. For the most part, the texts stopped. The emails stopped. The cards stopped. I dropped into a very deep hole. I cried. I moped. I threw temper tantrums. I either slept a lot or not at all. I was lonely. I missed my friend and was pretty much inconsolable. My poor family somehow put up with me. They loved me and cared for me. A few friends would check in too. I found out quickly whom I could count on. And those who really only cared about Shauna and not me. That was a tough one. I also realized how much people got caught up in the drama of Shauna's cancer, her dying. How they used me to get to her or to get information about her. I felt used and betrayed. I struggled immensely with the feelings of sadness that were overtaking me. Somedays were bad. Somedays were worse. Somedays were okay.
Jim and Natalie were there for me completely. Unconditionally. They always have been. I am the most blessed person I know to have them as my family. They are my everything and my entire life. I love them with all of my heart and soul. They are the reason that I am slowly coming out from the deep hole.
I started a job in March. I went back to work as a legal assistant/executive assistant at a law firm. I worked as a legal assistant after college and before having Natalie. It had been awhile. I decided that if I was going back to work, I needed a flexible part time schedule and I needed to make good money. This job fits the bill, but it is also the most stressful intense job I have ever had in my life. Many mornings before walking in the door I felt like throwing up. Many nights I cried myself to sleep. The learning curve was very steep and scary. Somehow I have survived it and have mostly figured out how to make it work in my life. I am grateful for a paycheck (that I can direct deposit completely to the horse). I am grateful for the flexibility to have time with my family. I am grateful for the distraction to get me out of the house and out of bed each morning.
I still have my days. I am busier than I have ever been. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed most of the time. I am also cherishing and savoring the good moments. Especially life's simple pleasures. Loving watching Nat ride her horse. Loving cuddling with my husband on the couch while watching a movie. Loving the rare moments that I do get to spend with a few friends.
I think of Shauna every day. Multiple times a day. I still reach for my phone to call or text her. I still get tears in my eyes when I remember certain memories out of the blue. I am so very lucky to have had her as my best friend. To have experienced life with her by my side. To have had a friend who really took the time to know the real me and who genuinely loved me. I will always be grateful to have experienced that kind of friendship. Shauna really knew how to be a friend!
In the years to come, I hope to take better care of myself. I hope to find the energy to exercise more. I hope to find the time to do something creative and artistic again. I hope to honor Shauna in ways that count. To show her that I am living my life with gratitude, with intention, with love, and with passion. The way that she lived her life.
I will love you forever, Shauna. You are missed but never forgotten. Thank you for being my guardian angel and BFF.
